The Story Behind the Mask: Part 1 of 4 — When “Fine at School” Doesn’t Mean Fine

By Kim Stewart, Lead Counsellor, Rainbow Rogues

11 February 2026

This series is written for parents and carers living through this experience, and for professionals working alongside them. You may notice moments where I speak directly to one or the other. That is intentional. At Rainbow Rogues, we believe in honest, evidence-informed support rooted in lived experience, safety, and respect.

Today, I want to share some of what I have learned about masking, both professionally and personally.

For those of you who don’t know me, my name is Kim Stewart, and I am the Lead Counsellor at Rainbow Rogues. My journey with Rainbow Rogues did not begin in counselling. I started as a family support worker, helping families navigate the often overwhelming process of seeking support for their child. Anyone who has been in that world knows how heavy and confusing it can be. Before any job title, though, I am a mother to two neurodivergent children, and I am neurodivergent myself.

Alongside professional training, lived experience offers a powerful advantage: insight into the emotional realities families face every day. It allows me to recognise patterns not just in theory, but in practice. I hope this series offers clarity, validation, and practical understanding, grounded in both research and real-world experience.

When “Fine at School” Doesn’t Mean Fine

I can’t tell you how many times a parent has said to me:

“They’re completely different at school or nursery than they are at home.”

It’s usually said quietly.

Often apologetically.

Almost always followed by frustration because the next sentence is often:

“…but nobody believes me.”

When I hear this, I believe it.

I believe it because I have experienced it as well.

Alongside professional training, lived experience offers something powerful: pattern recognition, empathy, and the confidence to say,

“Yes, that makes sense.”

The Pattern Many Families Recognise

Many children appear calm, quiet, and well-behaved at school or nursery.
They appear to be coping.

Then they come home, and it’s as if the entire day spills out at once.

Meltdowns.
Shutdowns.
Tears.
Explosive emotions.
Complete withdrawal.

Sometimes physical symptoms also appear, such as headaches, stomach pain, or severe exhaustion.

To professionals reading:

If a parent tells you their child is different at home than at school, they are raising a genuine concern. They are sharing information you can’t see, because you don’t see the child after the school day ends.

Research describes this pattern, appearing to cope in one environment while struggling intensely in another, within discussions of masking and camouflaging in autistic individuals.^{1 2}

What Is Masking?

Masking (also called camouflaging) refers to strategies autistic individuals may use to hide, suppress, or compensate for aspects of themselves in social environments that feel demanding or evaluative.

It is not manipulation.
It is not “bad behaviour.”
It is often about safety.

Masking can involve consciously copying peers or rehearsing social responses.

But crucially, it does not always require conscious insight. For many children, masking is not a deliberate performance. It is a learned pattern of adapting to what feels safest. Research suggests camouflaging can involve both deliberate and automatic processes and may develop over time in response to repeated social expectations.

Who masks?

There is sometimes an assumption that masking occurs primarily in cognitively able or verbally articulate autistic individuals. Current research does not support that limitation.

Camouflaging is understood as heterogeneous, ranging from deliberate social strategies to more habitual or implicit patterns of adaptation.²

For some children, including those with cognitive delays or limited verbal communication, masking may not look like “performing socially” or copying peers.

It can look like:

• Becoming quieter
• Becoming more compliant
• Reducing outward emotional expression
• Appearing less reactive

Especially in demanding environments.

Research on compensation in autism highlights that observable behaviour does not always reflect underlying effort or difficulty. Surface‑level coping can hide internal strain.³

Note to parents:

It doesn’t matter whether your child is non‑verbal, highly verbal, academically strong, or seems unbothered in school. If your child is consistently different at home than at school, pay attention and ask why. That difference is information.

If masking isn’t a choice, what triggers it?

Masking can involve deliberate strategies, but it may also develop over time as a learned response to environmental expectations. Children notice patterns in their surroundings and adapt accordingly, whether or not they are conscious of it.

From a psychological perspective, behaviour that reduces exposure to stress or correction is more likely to be repeated, a principle consistent with operant learning theory.⁴ If certain movements are repeatedly corrected, they may decrease. If suppressing behaviour reduces negative attention, that suppression may be reinforced.

Contemporary reinforcement learning research also suggests behavioural adaptation can occur through experience‑based feedback, particularly under conditions of uncertainty, rather than through explicit reasoning.⁵

Over time, patterns of adaptation can become habitual. We have all done it. Think of a time you were in an environment that made you feel overwhelmed or uneasy,  and how you behaved there compared with how you behave in a place where you feel relaxed and able to be yourself.

For me, school was like that. I remember struggling to keep up but being far too anxious to ask for help. Instead, I watched my peers, copied them, and pretended to know what the class was discussing. It was exhausting.

In Part 2, we’ll look at why masking is exhausting, what the ‘after‑school crash’ can really mean, and what research suggests about the emotional cost of sustained camouflaging.

Key Takeaways from Part 1

1. Differences between home and school behaviour are meaningful.
   If a child appears calm in one environment and overwhelmed in another, that difference is information, not contradiction.
2. Masking is not manipulation.
   Camouflaging can involve deliberate strategies, but it can also develop as a learned pattern of adaptation shaped by repeated social expectations.
3. Masking is not limited to one type of child.
   It may look different across children. For some, it involves copying peers. For others, it may present as quiet compliance or reduced outward expression.
4. Observable behaviour does not always reflect internal effort.
   Research on compensation in autism highlights that surface-level coping can hide significant cognitive and emotional strain.
5. Listening matters.
   When parents report that something feels different at home, that is safeguarding information. Taking it seriously strengthens trust and improves support.

 References

1. Hull, L., Petrides, K.V., Allison, C., Smith, P., Baron-Cohen, S., Lai, M.-C. and Mandy, W. (2017) ‘Putting on my best normal’: Social camouflaging in adults with autism spectrum conditions. Journal of Autism and Developmental Disorders, 47(8), pp. 2519–2534.
2. Cook, J., Hull, L., Crane, L. and Mandy, W. (2021) ‘Camouflaging in autism: A systematic review’, Clinical Psychology Review, 89, 102080.
3. Livingston, L.A. and Happé, F. (2017) Conceptualising compensation in neurodevelopmental disorders: Reflections from autism spectrum disorder. Neuroscience & Biobehavioral Reviews, 80, pp. 729–742.
4. Skinner, B.F. (1953) Science and human behavior. New York: Macmillan.
5. Gershman, S.J. (2018) ‘Uncertainty and exploration’, Decision, 6(3), pp. 277–286.